mister mechanick: the man...the legend

Quotes from my high school american history teacher. Compiled by Roger, and preserved here for posterity.

“I’m about to do a wrong educational thing here..I am threatening you...I want regression.”

“Now..I’m a teacher, which means I am very close to death, and now i have to deal with donuts and hand lotion??”

“Those AP classes..they are like seriously retarded. We should attack! Have some guerrilla warfare.”

“I looked at your eyes, and I looked at your mind’s eye..and your minds are elsewhere.”

“I’m a pig?! Erase that, girl... I’m not bovine.”

“Hey Sylvan, 'They Might Be Giants'?..didn't that commie band break up?”

“You know, I’m gonna get aggravated, and I’m going to jump out that window, and you’ll all say ‘wow, he did it’.... I can fit! I’ll put butter on myself so I can squeeze through if I can’t fit.”

“I’m not a teacher without confidence in himself... I don’t wear pants on my head and I didn't go to the school of stupidity, and yet when I look at some of you it’s like Wakadie Dooda to the nth power.”

“It’s like Burger King boys and girls, have it your way... but I don’t want you eating in my class!”

“When I was a kid, I wanted to be a televangelist, so I would preach growing up, so what I am about to say is a righteous form of preaching... you will rue that day in January, when it’s not only late, but over. Every day is Judgement Day in this class!”

“You are witnessing Stuart’s high intellectual point this semester. No, I’m totally serious, I am complimeniting you academically.”

“It is a requirement, that either your mother, father, older brother, sister, pet, or outdated utility bill come to open school night.”

“We are about to reach an aura of an academic plateau.”

“You cannot guilt me with your wuss guilt. WUSS GUILT!”

“You guys are schizophrenic duplicity, always fidgety!”

“I’m gonna give you marginal credit, marginal like the square root of negative ten.”

“I believe in 180 degrees. It begins where it ends, and it ends where it begins.”

“Win or lose, I’ll throw a party. NO! I’ll throw a party AT you!”

“I don’t want you to laugh. I don’t even want you to smile, I don’t want to see any teeth.”

“You’re talking about crowded city..C squared!”

“Ok. Who here lives in the Bronx? If the Yankees win, extra credit. Who here lives in Queens? If the Mets win, you get negative extra credit.”

“I want your essays to jump!..I want you to turn on your intellectual..whatever.”

“You know, I want America to have a war with Europe, I don’t like their attitude..first, these brits, them frogs, then those commies...they think we’re full of people..condensending attitude.”

“Oh, do you want me to say please? Oh, pleeeaaasse valerie..teacher sensitivity time, pleeeaaasssee read your paper.”

“Next year, I hope you have the straightenist teacher...”

“Now this is a paper. Not because it’s a paper, but because of the writing of the paper.”

“We are having a lesson here. This isn’t a therapy session, with the letter c meaning complaining... this is class.”

“This lesson... I am so excited, you may see me cry.”

“SILENCE!...of the lambs.”

“Roger, you need to control your anger. It’s called anger management. I’m totally serious, it’s due to tension! Take a chill pill...here...POP!”

“Saw a little effort there..small 'e'!”

“This is the cultural, oral, feel good part of the midterm.”

“Everyone is needy in this class, except for one person..and that person is yours truly..ME!”

“I want this lateness to end..FINITO..DONE!”

“You kids are so sensitive. When I was your age, if I had a problem, my parents would take a baseball bat and hit me over the head with it. That pretty much solved my problems.”

“First of all, take the gum out of your mouth, just put it under the desk so you can chew it later.”

“I don’t know if anybody noticed, but I was almost moved to tears by what Ryan was saying....if I was sensitive, I would have, too.”

“Wanna bet your final grade on it? I’ll give you three points if you get this..William if you say anything you get a 50!..EHHHHH out of time!”

“If you sleep in this class, you get a grade equidistant to M.”

“Don’t Helen Keller me, Alex!”

“Here’s what some of your wussy friends in AP History are learning, but they don’t know...”

“I’m a teacher, I don’t want to hear that, I’m not a part of your... youth retro pop culture.”

“On January 31, I’m gonna have a full frontal lobotomy, not only will I not notice you, I won’t recognize myself.”

“If you have me again, first day of class I will show the movie ‘Hannibal’, to show you what my expectations are.”

“I find that personally insulting, both individually and collectively.”

“This pack is light, and I don’t mean unfiltered or menthol cigarettes.”

“The first Americans, you know, had to conquer the dinosaurs..go through Jurassic Park...”

“She knew we were talking about her, it’s like E.S.P.N!”

“You insulted me three times, so I owe you cubed insults...you will be insuulted 27 times by the end of January.”

“Let me tell you something boys and girls, I was a teacher here before you were born, and I’ll be a teacher here after I die...”

“I’ll be honest, boys and girls, I wasn’t a good student in high school. I’d stay in the lunchroom all morning, then go to the library, double period gym, spanish... and then I’d cut the rest of the afternoon.”

“Why was my schedule like that? I was a slow eater...and a fast reader!"

“I am taking back all of my recommendations for this class! Except for Natalia’s, I am woofing them, jamming them back into my mouth, into my brain and into amnesia!”

“I don’t want anymore lying. You know why? You’re all bad liars. If you were good liars, I wouldn’t mind... but it’s like dealing with retards, which makes you retarded liars.”

“I’m going to put dogs in here. I’d like to see the two of you scamper around with dogs chasing you.”

“I’ll get that dog that speaks bilingual...bark and spanish, you know, the Taco Bell dog.”

“You know, I don’t hang out with 17 year olds. I’d rather commit suicide.”

“What’s your math test on? Decimals? Easy, reciprocals? Easier, fractions? Easiest... if you don’t get a 100 I’m failing you!”

“Party? No parties...I can’t be seen with you people.”

“I’m gonna start kicking some ass! I’ll start with Ryan, the big guys, and work my way down till I get to puny Jennifer.”

“Look what I’m bringing back for after vacation. You're gonna be so excited you're gonna pee in your pants! An American history calendar!”

“Religions always complain... whenever there is a social issue. Religion by definition means complain.”

“I hope you get a teacher that gives you homework nine nights a week!”

“Who’s that teacher you always complain about? Ragin? [Raggi]..yeah, I heard she’s teaching American History next term..five classes!”

“I’m not 16! I have prerejected you to be your friend. I’m not someone that’ll knock on your door and say you’re gonna be late for zero... or ask if you did the Mechanick homework... hey, that sucker won’t notice the difference!”

“Don’t interrupt Will...everyone, if you hit him, you get extra credit...no, don’t hurt him...okay, back to academics.”

“What? Are you afraid of her? I can deck her with one punch..when she comes back, watch how afraid she is!" [He puts her in headlock upon return. She is still alive.]

“Oh, Jennifer thinks she’s going to be an actor..oh, LUCY LIU! [does Charlie’s Angels karate pose]..oh, JENNIFER K! [same pose] Gimme a break.”

“If you're having problems looking at people, over the summer open up your eyebrows."

“You know in dreamland, things seem real, but when you wake up, you know what your problem is? Reality!"

“He's 19, weighs three pounds... two of which are from his sideburns..."

“A lot of things are snowballing on this class..and I don't see any skis.”

“You may have charm, but without punctuality, you only cause harm.”

“Roger, stop acting like a woof..you know like a wimping puppy..stop being so sensitive. Are you depressed? You have your whole life ahead of you, that's what you should be depressed about.”

“Will, you put a scar in my teaching heart....no there are no makeups! Is mascara running down my face? No... I don't make up, I break up!”

“Don't put words in my mouth..put cookies instead.”

“Next term, let me tell you, you have to watch yourself, and I don't mean walking around with pocket mirrors in the hallways.”

“College is so easy... they're just a bunch of doofy people with cool clothes.”

“If you try and brownie up to me William, you're getting sandpaper on your nose.”

“Oh, you think my social life is warped now? Because I didn't have your Italian cookies? Which by the way, aren't even Italian!”

“Fine, I'll give you the multiple choice answers..1 is C, 2 is C, 3 is C... oh! Revenge with a capital V!”

“You're too wussy to theaten me... people from the bronx don't know how to threaten people. The only good thing about the Bronx is Arthur Avenue, with their great restaurants. The only boroughs that know how to threaten are Brooklyn and Staten Island.”

“That's it, Will! Five points off your final grade... don't interfere with conversations... get your own verbal space!”

“Tomorrow... the last part of your final, you have to bring in a snack so we can all have lunch... otherwise you lose fifteen points on your final grade.”